Rays of Light Podcast

Hi Makiko!

Hi Karisha!

Welcome to Rays of Light and the fictional village of Sunnyside.

Each episode stands alone, so you can pick topics that interest you.

Or you can start at the beginning and see how the characters and village develop over time.

Brianna Walford is woken up with a jolt by her roommate Vicky yelling.

“Look what Kendall posted!” Vicky shouts, shoving her phone in Brianna's face.

Brianna's eyes haven't had time to focus before Vicky rolls away, yelling threats and promising revenge. She leaves the room with a slam of the door.

The clock says it's 3am. Unable to get back to sleep, Brianna tries to do deep breathing exercises, but her heart rate doesn't slow down. With her eyes wide open and her body stiff, she stays awake, afraid of Vicky's return and what kind of chaos will come along with it.

It's nearly five when she dozes off, waking with her alarm at 6:30 to hear Vicky snoring on the bed across the room. Brianna gathers her clothes and goes into the bathroom, shutting the door as quietly as possible. One time, the click of it closing woke Vicky, who was furious at Brianna for days.

Being in class is a relief until Brianna realizes she left her assignment in the dorm room. It's due right now, and the penalty for being late is an automatic 20% off whatever her grade would've been otherwise. As always, she'd intended to look it over one more time before putting it in her backpack, but she was too exhausted to follow her regular routine.

In her next class, she's called on to answer a question that she thinks she knows, but her self-consciousness and fatigue leave her mind completely blank. Even though she rarely cries, she can feel a pressure building behind her eyes before the instructor finally turns away.

Back in her dorm room a few hours later, Vicky and three friends are having a loud argument. Brianna really needs to rest, but she doesn't have anywhere else to go. She's already fallen asleep a few times at the library, and the last time, a security guard woke her up, which was embarrassing.

“Haven't you been dating Brayden?” Vicky suddenly asks Brianna.

“Um, we've been talking.” Brianna says hesitantly, wondering at Vicky's tone. Vicky persists.

“But are you seeing him? Because Kaycee thinks he was making out with Paula, and I just found this.” Vicky turns her phone to face Brianna, who has to walk across the room to see a picture of Brayden kissing someone.

“You'd better ask him what's going on.” A wave of humiliation washes over Brianna, but she keeps her face inexpressive.

Liz and Sarah sit at a table in the Minions of the Moon Cafe, oblivious to friendly waves and their rapidly cooling drinks. The cafe's co-owner Gwen stops by their table to say hi.

“Liz, did we mess up your order?”

“What?” Liz asks, confused.

“This isn't your regular, and you haven't touched it.”

“Oh,” Liz says. “I… I wasn't paying attention.” She takes a tentative sip of her milky drink and makes a face.

“I can't believe I ordered two mocha lattes!” Sarah says. “I'm sorry, Liz.”

“It's not your fault.” Liz replies rarely. “I was right there, and didn't even notice.”

Sarah sighs. “We're both totally out of it. We were on the phone all night with Brianna, trying to convince her not to drop out.”

Brianna is Sarah and Liz's 20-year-old daughter, and Gwen is as close as an aunt to her.

“What?” Gwen asks, pulling a chair up to their table and sitting between them.

“Yeah…” Sarah says. “We finally convinced her to stay until spring break since it's only two weeks away, but we were worried that was a mistake. She's been hiding her misery from us since she started in January and it all came out yesterday.”

Gwen looks stunned.

“But she was so excited at her going-away party in December. I've never seen her that happy.”

“I know.” Sarah says miserably. “Attending this university has always been her dream.”

“If only she'd said something sooner.” Liz mutters.

“This is devastating,” Gwen says. “She worked so hard. Is the problem that she's older than most of the other students living in the dorms?”

Brianna has just transferred to her dream university in another state after earning her associate's degree while working in Sunnyside as a nanny. With everything factored in, campus living turned out to be less expensive, so she moved into the dorms knowing she'd be a little older than most of the residents.

“You know, Brianna…” Sarah says. “She doesn't say much. When she called last night and said she was going to drop out, we were in shock.”

“We'd been worried she wasn't happy.” Liz adds. “But she kept saying she was fine, fine, fine, everything was fine.”

“This is devastating,” Gwen repeats. Sarah and Liz nod in agreement.

“She'll never be happy again if she leaves,” Gwen insists.

“I'd rather risk that than her life,” Liz says flatly.

"Isn't that dramatic?” Gwen asks, surprised to hear this from the usually level-headed Liz.

“Brianna wouldn't hurt herself.”

“We spent way too much time searching mental health issues this morning,” Sarah admits. “But she is especially vulnerable right now. We are thinking of going there so she can stay with us in our hotel room and then go to classes in the day.”

“That's probably a good idea,” Gwen agrees, having quickly become just as concerned, “Just to be safe.”

“She did go see a therapist at the school,” Liz says.

“I think she felt like her problems were dismissed as typical first-year issue, though. I have to admit, I wish she'd been given some sort of anti-anxiety medication.”

“I have an idea,” Sarah says. “Gwen, would you ask your hypnotherapist if he can get her in quickly so maybe she can do at least one session from the hotel, then another when she's home over the break?”

“Yes, I will,” Gwen says. “Two weeks in a hotel is going to cost a lot there.”

“It's worth it,” Liz says. “It's not like we're going to be able to focus on anything at home, and we can both work from the hotel.”

Sarah sighs again.

“I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown if I don't get a text from her every half an hour. Let's book a room and get going.”

K: So online hypnotherapy sessions are just as effective as in-person ones. And actually all the hypnotherapy sessions I've done as a client have been online. So I know this is true.

M: Yep.

After a brief video consultation with Luke Cantrell, Brianna agrees to see if hypnotherapy can help her feel calmer and more in control. A few days later, her parents go out to explore the city so she can have privacy for her first session. Luke asks Brianna how she's been doing since moving into the hotel.

“I don't know.” Brianna finally answers.

Luke nods. “What would you like to focus on in our session today?”

“Anxiety.”

“So you're feeling anxious?”

Brianna nods.

“Do you feel this way often?”

Brianna nods again.

“How would you like to feel instead?”

“I don't know.”

“If you knew, what do you think it might be?”

Brianna blinks at him for a moment. “Oh, calmer? Calm?”

“So you'd like to feel calm. Excellent. You probably already know that it's not possible to feel both calm and anxious at the same time. What happens when you imagine feeling calm?”

There's a long silence.

“It's nice.” Brianna says.

“How do you know when you are calm?”

“My mind is quieter.”

“So it sounds like calmness is a quiet mind.”

Brianna nods.

“What else does calmness mean to you?”

“Not being miserable?”

“Good. And what might you call that? Or how might you describe it in a positive:

What you want instead of what you don't want.”

“Maybe clearness?”

“Clearness. Good. How does clearness feel to you?”

“Really nice.”

“Is there any place you notice clearness in your body?”

“My head?”

“Great. Any colors associated with clearness?

“Um... Like a clear… I guess a clear color? Like a transparent light blue, maybe?”

Luke smiles.

“That works. Is there anything else that you'd like to talk about as well?”

“Not really. No.

“Okay. So, today, we'll be doing a foundational session like we discussed on the phone. And you'll notice right away that the more you feel calm, the more you now let go of old patterns and habits. Brianna nods.

K: So, Luke tells Brianna that, he says, you probably already know it's not possible to feel both calm and anxious at the same time. And something I've noticed when people are talking about calm and anxious at the same time is they often are talking about looking calm but feeling anxious. That's not what we're talking about here.

K: We’re talking about feeling both at the same time. And, of course, it really depends a lot on the person or the situation. Yep.

M: Exactly. And, yeah, I, too, often say that opposite emotions can't exist at the same time. But actually, I'm not talking about positive emotions versus negative emotions. It's more about which end of the nervous system the emotions come from.

M: Emotions from opposite ends, like intense fear versus deep calm, usually don't happen at the same time because of how our nervous system works. Our autonomic nervous system has two main branches, as probably many of you know.

M: The sympathetic side is fight-flight. It activates during anger, fear, or excitement. And the parasympathetic side is calm and relaxed. When we shift into the strong anger or fear or sadness, which are heavily sympathetic, it's very difficult to feel deep calm or relaxation at the same time because the parasympathetic side would need to dominate for us to actually feel that.

M: But positive emotions like joy, excitement, and happiness aren't necessarily parasympathetic either. In fact, they often activate the sympathetic side, which is why it's sometimes called eustress, which is the positive stress, not the negative stress.

M: That’s also why in a sympathetic state, it's possible to experience other sympathetic-centered emotions like anxiety or fear simultaneously. Like when we feel so happy but then feel as if too good to be true and then sort of feel anxiety bubbling underneath the happiness kind of thing.

K: Right. And excitement. That's often anxiety-related.

M: Exactly.

K: I felt that same thing today. So as you mentioned that. I was really excited about something that's going to happen later this week. And then I was like, oh, maybe it won't happen. I went into this immediate anxiety thing.

K: And then I was really stressed about that or really anxious about it maybe not happening even though I hadn't even known about it a few minutes before. So I was like, whoa, way to undermine my happiness.

M: Yeah, that happens. Another factor is the intensity of the emotions. So strong emotions usually overpower weak ones or weaker ones. For example, if I see a cute puppy, then I feel warm and affectionate. I just want to go cuddle.

K: Do you love puppies?

M: Oh, I love puppies and kittens and everything small.

K: I didn't know that. So you love just little – yeah, they're so adorable. I didn't know that about you.

M: But if the mama dog nearby starts growling like it's going to bite my head off or something like that, then fear immediately shoots up. And my puppy happiness will be overridden until I feel safe.

K: Your puppy happiness is cute .

M: So we're a very complex being and so our emotions are also very complex. But in general, it's difficult to feel fear and calm or anxiety and deep relaxation at the same time.

K: Right.

Before they head home for spring break, Sarah and Liz are surprised Brianna seems to want them to accompany her back to her dorm to pick up the few things she forgot. Their former confident daughter, who earned all As in her college courses while running a household with two rambunctious children, seems to shrink inside herself when her roommate Vicky appears.

“Bri, Bri, Brandon was here looking for you the other day and said he'd texted and you hadn't responded. And I said, well, maybe you should be careful what you post. And then he said, what are you talking about? And I said, well, maybe –“

“Vicky.” Brianna interrupts quietly. “It's fine. Have you met my parents?”

Vicky barely glances at Sarah and Liz.

“Nice to meet you. Gotta go. See you after break.”

“Don't ask.” Brianna says stiffly.

A few minutes later, the doorknob is rattled, followed by loud banging.

“I don't know why her friends always try that.” Brianna mutters. “The doors lock automatically.”

Sarah and Liz exchange looks while Brianna reluctantly goes to open the door. There's a lot of yelling, seemingly cheerful, before Brianna returns alone.

“Looking for Vicky,” she says.

“Are they all 18?” Liz asks.

“I guess so.”

“Wow, Vicky's side of the room is chaotic,” Sarah says.

“What's it like here at night?” Liz asks.

“All chaos, all the time.” Brianna says flatly.

Her parents look at each other again.

“Can't you ask to be moved?” Sarah asks.

Brianna groans. “No, she would know. Everyone would know.”

Sarah sounds a little frustrated when she says,

“Only if you stayed in the dorms though, right? I mean, if you moved off campus, Vicky wouldn't think it was about her.”

Brianna shakes her head.

“There's a contract, and you know we've already paid for the whole term.”

“What if we can prove she's a demon?” Sarah asks.

“What?”

“Ignore her,” Liz says.

“There's gotta be a demon clause.” Sarah persists.

“What are you talking about?” Brianna asks impatiently.

“She's referring to Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” Liz says. “Buffy's first college roommate was a demon.”

“Oh, the television show,” Brianna says. Then after a moment, she adds.

“I think the demon was less annoying than Vicky.”

Sarah opens her eyes wide in mock horror.

“The demon was stealing Buffy's soul!”

Brianna can't help smiling. Then she begins to laugh, with Liz joining in.

K: So Makiko, had you ever heard of this television show, Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

M: No, tell me.

K: So from 1997 to 2003, I think, Buffy the Vampire Slayer was a very popular American television show, and it's still watched and re-watched regularly. And I think they're making a new version of it now, even. So I never watched the show myself, but I was a background actor and extra on it toward the end of its filming time. This was when I was in college.

And so I much later made friends with people who loved the show when they were growing up, and some of them saw the season over and over again. They passionately loved it. And they were shocked to hear that I was actually an extra on it, but hadn't watched a single episode. I was so disinterested in the shows I was on. So as an adult, fun together, I mean, not doing it at the same time, but I've been watching and discussing with them why they've been re-watching. It's kind of a big thing to do for fun. And that is how it ended up in the story. I clearly just watched this episode recently, and it just came out like this.

M: Oh, cool. I was still in the US back in 1997, but...

K: Oh, you were?

M: Yeah.

K: But you weren't a teenager. I mean, it was kind of a teenager show.

M: No, definitely I wasn't a teenager.

K: An older teenager, maybe.

M: No.

K: You were in your 20s?

M: Yeah, it was more like my 30s, I think, or late 20s.

K: You were a graduate student, right?

M: Yeah. So just to share my roommate story, when I started college in Oregon, the state that I just so love, and of course, this was a very long, long time ago. At the time, I could hardly speak English, like hardly at all. And naturally, of course, I had to live in the dorm, being an international student. My first roommate apparently didn't want a foreign student who spoke so little English as a roommate.

M: Of course, she didn't say anything to me. I mean, she was rather cold, but didn't say anything. But after a few days or maybe a few weeks, I don't remember at all. But obviously, clearly, she asked whoever that arranged the dorm thing to switch her room.

K: Did they tell you she didn't want someone who didn't speak English?

M: I don't remember, but I just remember all of a sudden having a new roommate. But anyway, so I do think it's relatively easy to switch rooms and dorms, I assume. But the key point here that I wanted to make is how like sort of narrow focus Brianna's view right now, because she is stuck in this very negative rigid state. And so she's not really seeing the whole picture or, you know, different options, I think.

K: Yeah, and often when we're in that kind of state, it seems impossible to have a change. That's what makes it so hard to get out of it. So that's a really good point. And so she brings up the things like having the contract, you know, obviously, I can't leave. And also, and her fear of it seems like she has a fear of Vicky finding out, you know, knowing that she wanted to change roommates.

K: So it's just like, well, I can never change. I've got to stay here forever and live with this, you know, and it probably feels like forever, you know, when you're in a horrible situation where you can't sleep.

M: Right. Totally. Yeah.

On her second session, Brianna tells Luke,

“My mom made me promise to tell you something.”

There's a long pause. And then she yawns. After another moment of silence, she says,

“My roommate is chaotic. She's loud and up all night. She gets excited and mad and screams and yells. And she has a lot of loud friends. She really stresses me out. Please don't tell me to ask for a new roommate or to move out because I can’t. I can either leave the university entirely or else I have to keep her as a roommate.”

Luke nods. “That's a really difficult situation you're in.”

“I have earplugs, but they don't block everything out. I wouldn't feel safe if they did. And she turns on lights and shoves her phone in my face. I've asked her not to do these things. And sometimes she apologizes and says she won't. And other times she gets mad and leaves and comes back with her friends who sit on our bed and stare at me and whisper to each other.

“It sounds like you've been experiencing extreme stress. And the only possible options are, what again?”

“To quit school or keep dealing with Vicky?”

“Which would you prefer?”

Brianna is silent for a long time, then says,

“To be less bothered by Vicky, I guess.”

“How would you like to feel about her?” Luke asks.

“I guess that she's not scary. I know she's not really scary, but I'm scared to ask her to stop doing things. And when I do ask her, I know I sound weak.”

“What about her makes her seem scary, do you think?”

“She yells so much. When she's happy or mad, then her moods change really quickly.”

“Why do you think she's like that?”

Brianna shrugs.

“I don't know,” she says. “I don't understand people like her.”

Luke asks.

“Do you ever wonder what's going on in her mind?”

Brianna shakes her head.

“I guess I haven't really. When I was talking to my parents about her, we kept calling her chaotic. Maybe she's filled with chaos. I wonder why that is. It's almost like she's anxious too. She just acts it out differently. She shows it in a different way.”

“How do you feel when thinking about her like this?”

Brianna hesitates, then says,

“Kind of more distanced? Like it's nothing to do with me? It's separate from me?”

“So with this, the more you used to feel scared and anxious around Vicky, maybe the less you find now that her energy affects you?”

Brianna nods.

“I want to be able to calmly tell her when I don't like what she's doing. Even if it doesn't change anything, I'd feel much better than if I'm just cowering in front of her.”

“That makes sense. So how would you like to feel when Vicky's doing something annoying and you're asking her to stop?”

“I guess I'd like to feel very separate from her chaos. Like I'm a distance away and like I feel calm no matter how she reacts. And when I'm speaking, I want to feel confident and really calm and solid, not shaky.”

“Excellent,” Luke says. “Something I've noticed time and again, and that you might begin to notice also, is that sometimes after approaching a situation from a different state of mind, things that seemed unmovable before easily, naturally begin to shift. Ready for some hypnosis?”

Brianna nods.

K: And so that is something I have really noticed, approaching a situation from a different state of mind. We talked about this a little bit earlier, when you feel like it's impossible to change, you're stuck, whatever. And then you have someone else help you. It's often like you need someone else to give you a shift in perspective, to help you have a different approach. That's why relationships are so important. And also, they're talking about confrontation.

K: So I don't know that many of us enjoy confrontation, but there are some people that go to greater lengths to avoid it. And they have a tendency to just shut down rather than say anything that others might find confrontational. So they're less likely to stand up for themselves, or share emotions they feel are negative, or opinions they think will be unpopular.

M: Yep. When we face issues, I think typically there are two ways of dealing with them. There are those who try to resolve the issue by confronting it, who are open to have a frank conversation in order to find a solution. And those who try to resolve issues through silence, or by processing things internally, maybe.

M: And then there are also people of just few words. That's just their nature. A lot of things might be going through in their minds, but they don't have the words to express it. Or that they hesitate or they don't want to express it. And so they retract and sort of shut off.

M: And so in sessions, we do see, you know, people who struggle with words. There's nothing wrong with that, of course. So if you are one of those people, there's no need to worry. We as hypnotherapists do need information to understand what your issues are, where you are right now in the situation, and what your desired outcome is. But there are ways for you to share that with us. And, you know, we'll guide you through that.

K: Right. And there's also in times of high emotion, it is often harder for anyone to find words. So yeah, you can just make it more difficult.

K: So I just remembered a roommate story that kind of goes along with yours. So when I also lived in the dorms for my first year, and it was kind of a double room. So there were two people on each side, but we shared a bathroom. So it was, you know, kind of combined, but a little division. Yeah. So on the other side, was someone who I'm still friends with, actually. And she chose to have foreign students from Japan as her roommates.

K: Yeah. So it was the opposite. And both of the students she had, we became good friends with. I became good friends with two. And one I wrote to for years and years. So yeah, that's kind of the opposite.

At the end of spring break, Brianna promises to update our parents daily on how she's doing after she returns to her dorm room. She'd wanted to get back before Vicky, but it's not clear if her roommate ever left. The place is filthier than ever, and someone has definitely been using Brianna's bed.

Her hopeful attitude plunges as she looks at her wrinkled bedspread with crumbs all over it. Brianna left for spring break with her bedding freshly washed, and now she has to redo it.

She'll probably return from the laundry room to find Vicky's friends spilling their drinks all over her bare mattress. Vicky comes into the room shouting with excitement.

“Bri, Bri's back.”

“I am. And it looks like someone was eating on my bed.”

“I'm so sorry. Kaycee stayed here last night to avoid her roommate, and I told her to be careful. We got in a big fight.”

“About her eating on my bed?”

Vicky looks confused for a moment.

“Oh, no, not about that.”

“Well, I'd better get to the laundry room, Brianna says, so I can get these dry in time to sleep tonight.”

“See you,” Vicky says cheerily.

Brianna notices that even though she's feeling frustrated, she isn't afraid.

“Wait, why does Casey want to avoid her roommate?”

“Oh, she makes all these rules and then lectures Kaycee when she doesn't follow them. It's like who made her in charge?”

“What kinds of rules?” Brianna asks.

“Like whose turn it is to clean the bathroom and when it's time to be quiet and turn the lights off? Basically about everything.”

“I'm surprised you and Kaycee don't want to share a room,” Brianna says tentatively.

“I'm so mad at her,” Vicky says.

“But normally, before you got mad at her?”

“My dad didn't want me to share with her. Said I never get anything done.”

“Okay, it's just too bad she has to turn the lights off early when you are both such night people. And I'm more of a morning person, so I wouldn't mind.”

“You wouldn't like her as a roommate.” Vicky says, staring at her phone.

Carrying her laundry basket. Brianna walks slowly by Kaycee’s room, which is down the hall from hers. The door is shut and she considers knocking but walks on past. She stops at the stairwell, puts her laundry basket down and goes back to Casey's room, this time knocking lightly.

Kaycee opens the door, looking like she's been crying. She blinks at Brianna without saying anything.

“I don't know what you and Vicky are fighting about,” Brianna says bravely.

“But I'm sure you can work it out, can't you?”

Casey sniffs.

“I guess so.”

“I was wondering if you wanted to switch rooms, if your roommate is okay with it.”

“I'm okay with it,” a voice says from inside.

“Really? You'd really switch?” Casey asks Brianna hopefully.

“Sure, right now if you want. I just got back and haven't unpacked.”

“I'll help.” The voice that responded before says, and in a moment, she's standing next to Kaycee and introducing herself.

“Hi, I'm Amy.”

“Hi, I'm Brianna. I need to get my bedspread and sheets into the washer. Then I'll come back and we can go talk to Vicky.”

K: Brianna’s mode entirely shifted from problem focused to solution focused. Earlier, she was saying she had to either drop out or put up with this chaos. She believed change was impossible as we talked about. But once she became solution focused, she was able to find a solution.

M: Yep, this is how it works. It's really amazing. It is so amazing. Yeah, because it really is like almost night and day kind of a change. All of a sudden, my view sort of widens and then I start to see other options. Just like that. It's just really amazing.

K: It’s wonderful. It's a wonderful feeling when you realize, oh, wait a minute. I wasn't stuck. I wasn't trapped.

M: It’s like, why didn't I see that before?

K: It seems so obvious. Usually, there's a few different ideas that start coming. It's just such a wonderful feeling.

Brianna is fully moved by the time her bedspread is dry. She sits on her new clean bed facing Amy, who is across the room on her own bed.

“I'm ready for the rules,” Brianna says.

Amy laughs and asks,

“what rules do you want?”

"Let's see. No screaming when I'm sleeping would be nice.”

“Whoa,” Amy says, “I'll try really hard.”

They both laugh.

“No eating on my bed.”

“Done.”

Brianna sighs happily.

"I'm so relieved.”

“Me too,” Amy says.

“I better call my parents. They will be so relieved.”

“Mine too.”

A week later, Sarah calls Brianna to make sure things are still going well.

“How's your sleep?” She asks.

“Great,” Brianna says.

“Is Amy still being respectful?”

“She is.”

"I'm so proud of you for bravely recognizing an opportunity and finding a way to make it work.” Sarah says, not for the first time.

“I hope you're proud of yourself too.”

Brianna is proud of herself for being brave, and this bravery has begun to spread to other areas of her life, reminding her of how Luke told her that sometimes in therapy, you find a common denominator and collapse it, and it then generalizes into your life.

She feels like this has happened to her, as she's finding it easier to participate in class, and when she and Amy applied at the Camps Performing Arts Center to make extra money and watch free shows, she felt like she did a great job in the interview. Still, hearing how earnest her mom is about it makes her laugh.

“I'm serious,” Sarah says.

“I know, Mom.”

K: Thank you so much for joining us in Sunnyside.

M: Thank you.

K: We welcome questions. Our contact info is in the show notes.

M: Thank you, High Street Jack, for our theme song.

K: Thank you, Makiko, for being our technical guru. You're a guru now.

M: Stories for a Rays of Light are written by Karisha.