Rays of Light Podcast

Hi Makiko.

Hi Karisha.

Welcome to Rays of Light.

Thank you for joining us in the fictional village of Sunnyside, where we meet fictional characters with real problems.

If you're interested in suggesting a topic or a character type for a future episode, we'll be glad to consider your ideas. Please use the link provided in the show notes.

Today, we're checking in with Marie Lou, who was in our first episode.

By the way, each episode does stand alone, so you can pick topics that interest you.

Right, or you can start at the beginning and see how the characters and village develop over time.

In Sunnyside, it's the beginning of June, and Marie Lou is walking to work in a warm rain. Marie has her hypnotherapy session during her Lunch break today. After seven sessions and listening to her recordings most days, she's feeling much more relaxed and better able to focus on what's under her control.

While her first session was about her anger over changes the new mayor was making in her village, for her session today, she planned to talk over an annoying work issue, but she can't stop thinking about a very unimportant man named Kyle she's had two dates with. At the end of the second date, Kyle suggested they meet up in four days to see a movie they were both excited about. That was two weeks ago.

He didn't contact her or respond to her three carefully casual text messages, and she's been exhaustively imagining all the reasons she hasn't heard from him. By the time of her session, Marie has mentally yelled at herself repeatedly for continuing to waste mental space on Kyle. As a distraction, she first talks to Reina about the weather, then about how hopeful she's feeling for Sunnyside, even though the mayor is now trying to undermine the village's charter.

“But,” Marie explains, “working with the political action group, how well organized it is, how intelligent the people are, that really helps. And I'm spending more time in nature, eating healthier, having regular meals with a good amount of protein like we discussed, that all makes me feel better.”

So, you've probably heard people call the gut our second brain, and that's not just a catchy phrase. There's a major nerve, the vagus nerve, that directly links your gut and your brain, and they're constantly talking to each other. And here's what's fascinating: most of the body's serotonin and a good amount of dopamine, the feel-good chemicals, are made in the gut, not just in the brain. And here's the kicker. To make those chemicals, your body needs all the right raw materials: amino acids, vitamins, minerals, and enzymes. So, it's like a recipe, and if you're missing even one key ingredient, the production slows way down. That's why a balanced and nutrient-rich diet isn't just good for your body, it's really critical for your mood and emotional well-being, too.

Totally.

Yeah, and speaking of nutrients, there was a mention earlier about getting enough protein. That's another interesting topic, because protein is definitely important. It provides amino acids your body needs to make those feel-good chemicals like serotonin and dopamine, not to mention the muscles and the skin and everything else. But at the same time, I personally kind of feel there's a little too much emphasis on piling on protein.

Yeah, it's very popular right now.

Yeah, and certainly good quality protein is great. I mean, it's critical, but it's also the hardest macronutrient for the body to process. It means it takes more energy and more time to break down compared to carbs or fats, and that can put extra strain on the digestive system.

So, for people with sensitive digestion, and I'm talking about myself here, eating large amounts of protein might backfire. And so, it's not just about the amount, but also about how you include it in your meals, choosing easier-to-digest sources and balancing it with other nutrients. But I do know that this is something people have strong opinions and different opinions, so what do you think about that?

I do agree that everyone's different, and we all have to figure out which proteins work best for us. Same with all the other nutrients you mentioned. We have to figure out what works best for us, because we can't all eat the same things.

Yeah, and if we're having a hard time figuring it out, a nutritionist could be a valuable resource, really valuable. I am a big proponent of getting a high percentage of plant- based proteins with every meal. When I don't, I have a lot less energy, and it definitely makes my mood less stable.

Yeah, I guess we all have to figure out the way that works best for our own system and body.

It's not one-size-fits-all kind of thing.

Which is the way it tends to be talked about, right? At least right now, when you hear the culture really pushing in the U.S., protein, protein, protein products, and they're kind of acting like the same thing will work for everyone. So yeah, I totally get what you're saying.

Yeah, there's a lot of that when it comes to diet. Like, you know, low carb. I mean, you know.

Oh, right. Endlessly, right? Yeah.

Marie continues to tell Reina how great her life is, almost convincing herself she doesn't need a session. “Oh, I was going to talk about work.” Marie is quiet for a few moments, “But the work thing isn't really what's bothering me. I'm actually pretty angry with myself,” she admits. “I can't stop thinking about this guy who ghosted me.”

Reina asks, “you're angry with yourself?”

Marie nods. “And him. He was so friendly and then nothing. We planned to go see a movie. It was his idea. Why would he even bring it up if he didn't want to go? Or did something happen and he changed his mind and didn't bother to mention it? I'm so sick of the way you can't trust anyone anymore. If someone can be as nice as he was — uuuh, ghosting is so unnecessary, so mean. If he'd said he didn't want to go anymore or that he met someone else or whatever, I might have felt disappointed for a day or two, but nothing like this.”

Reina says, “During one of our earlier sessions, you noticed that underneath your anger about the mayor, there was fear.”

Marie nods. “And you said anger helped me take action and get help. So this time, I'm not afraid, except if ever going out with anyone ever again. I guess I feel kind of hurt. Does that sound juvenile?”

“Not at all.” Reina says, “Being hurt is a very reasonable reaction. How do you think your anger is trying to help you?”

Now, that's such a powerful question Reina just asked, “how do you think your anger is trying to help you?” Because what she's really pointing to is that anger isn't random. It's more protective.

Right. And that's why it can be useful. Something useful one can do is to pause and just thank our subconscious for bringing something to our attention.

Yeah.

Instead of fighting it, which only makes it stronger.

Right. And last time, anger gave Marie the energy to take action and to get help. And even now, when the situation is totally different, the same mechanism is kicking in. And what's important is that every emotion has a role, even the ones we label as negative, like anger.

Right.

For example, fear warns us of danger. So you don't want to live in fear all the time, but in the right moment, it can save your life.

Right.

Anger works the same way. It's there to defend us when we feel hurt or mistreated. The tricky part is that these emotional reactions and the behavior tied to them are wired deep in the subconscious. So these are like patterns that live in the subconscious. So when something triggers us, the emotion and the response often come as a package deal. And we can't stop the emotion from showing up. That's literally impossible. But we can work on rewiring those subconscious patterns so the response can change over time. And that's where the real freedom comes in, not by trying to get rid of emotions, but by reshaping the patterns behind them.

Yes, exactly.

Marie pauses. “Yeah, I get it. It's keeping me from feeling bad about myself or from admitting I'm blaming myself, from feeling rejected, like I'm not good enough.

Reina asks, “Have you felt rejected before?”

After a moment, Marie says, “Yeah, of course. But it's weird. What came to me just now was from a long time ago. After my parents got divorced, I overheard my mom on the phone saying she couldn't do something because it was her week with me. And then another time I overheard my dad telling someone something similar. I felt like, I know they didn't intend it in a mean way. They were just explaining. They're really good parents. We're very close.”

Reina nods. “How did you feel when you heard them say those things?”

“Terrible, like I was a nuisance that was ruining their lives, like they wanted to be free of me. They didn't want to be my parents, even though I know that's not true.”

“You seem uncomfortable about feeling bad.”

“No. Well…”

“Have you ever told anyone about your parents saying those things?”

“No, of course not.”

“Have you ever talked to anyone about this man not following up?”

“I brought it up on a text chain with some friends. They were supportive.”

“Did you tell them you were mad?”

“No, I just made some jokes about him.”

“So you didn't tell anyone you were mad?”

“No.”

“Anger is very interesting,” Reina says. “If you've been suppressing it, then it can be helpful to express it in a healthy way. Vocalized, screamed into a pillow, if you live somewhere that's possible.”

Marie laughs and shakes her head.

Reina adds, “no one likes rejection, just like no one likes feeling out of control. People for whom relationships are their top priority tend to fear rejection the most.”

Yeah, so what Reina said here is about how differently people are wired in their behavior. So some of us are what I'd call more relationship driven. We tend to feel more in our bodies, thrive on connection, and put relationships at the center of our world. So when rejection happens, it hits hard because connection means so much. That's Mary Lou.

Then there's another way of being people who are more mind driven. They live more in their heads, value independence, and often put their career or personal goals first. For them, the big fear isn't rejection. It's losing control. Neither way is better. These are just two patterns for how we experience life. And it's not black and white. It's on a spectrum. So no one is 100% one way or the other. We're all like a mix of say 60-40 or 55-45 or 70-30 or you know something like that. So there are all kinds of shades in between. And knowing where you tend to lean can help explain how you tend to react or respond in certain situations. And furthermore, understanding this about the people around you, especially like your partner or spouse, can really help make sense of the dynamics between you. So interestingly, we're often attracted to people who lean the other way. I mean, you know, it is often said that opposites attract. And that's very true, I think. And so the most complementary pair is often two people who are opposite in that ratio, like 60-40 relationship-driven person with 60-40 mind-driven person, because together they make a whole. So they complement each other.

Right. And these are also more subtle differences. So people might have like the same interests, you know, like they might have all these things the same superficially, they might or might not, you know, that doesn't apply to this, what we're talking about here.

Yeah, it's not about the interests, or the value, it's about the way of being, you know, how you are either relationship-driven, or, you know, mind-driven, that kind of thing. Yeah, it's those differences that initially we're attracted to, but then over time, the very differences can be the source of friction.

So when we can accept that these differences exist, it makes relationships much easier.

Yeah, and much richer, probably.

Reina says, “Okay, so how about we do some things in hypnosis today to help you get in touch with the anger and get it out of your body? Even what was stored in there from long ago?”

Marie nods. “That sounds good. Then I won't become one of those people who's always mad.”

Reina agrees. “There are times when expressing anger makes people more angry. It doesn't necessarily always get it out of our systems the way we used to think it did.”

Marie says, “Yes, I used to have a friend who's always mad about the same things. He was exhausting.”

I bet that was exhausting. So I think of it like releasing steam through a vent. If it's an acute emotion, like something that is fleeting or temporary, then releasing some of that steam by talking it out with someone you trust can be enough to feel better. But if it's more chronic in nature, like coming from a long standing issue, just letting out a little steam isn't going to resolve the issue. Because there is an underlying subconscious pattern that keeps getting triggered.

Triggered, keyword.

And so in those cases, just recalling the incident is enough to bring all those feelings back. And so talking about it can actually fuel the emotion instead of easing it.

And back to the way of being we talked about earlier. For those who are less in the body, more in the mind, venting and writing as soon as possible after waking up for the day can be far more useful than spoken venting. It's worth trying both and seeing what's best for you. If you do vent it out in writing, just rip it up and put it in recycling so you don't run across it again later.

Reina asks, “Do you know anyone who tells you when they're mad about something and they seem to feel better after?”

Marie thinks for a moment. “Oh yeah, my friends do that. My parents do that sometimes. I guess everyone does.”

“It seems like you don’t?”

Marie laughs. “No, I usually don’t."

“If you give it a try,” Reina suggests, “you can see how you feel before then after.”

Marie nods. “I can already tell you that before we talked about Kyle, I was really angry and upset and irritated and frustrated. Now I feel like it's not such a big deal. And like, it'd be fun to tell my friends about how I felt. And my mom, my dad would be shocked and dumbfounded that any guy wouldn't be devoted to me for life.”

They both laugh. Reina adds, “Anger leads to a really narrow focus, so we lose the bigger picture.

I wonder also if our way of being plays a role here too. People who are more relationship driven, like we talked about earlier, might feel a bigger sense of relief just by venting to friends because connection is so important to them. And since they're more in touch with their bodies, that can lead to more physiological relief. I know I usually feel better after talking things through and that makes sense because I lean that way. But there are times I don't want to share at all. And maybe that's part of me that's more mind driven, where privacy feels safer. So it might also depend on how personal the issue is and how vulnerable you feel about opening up. So it's really not one size fits all. It's a mix of tendencies and situations.

And there's so many things that go into it, besides what you said, depending on how personal the issue is. It can be how you were raised, the culture you were raised in has a big impact. I know you talked about having a big impact to you, the family values and family habits, all those kinds of things can greatly increase or decrease how we feel in different situations.

Absolutely.

Before they begin the hypnosis, Reina says, “And then we can address the hurt underneath, the hurt and rejection you felt as a child, as well as what you feel now with the creepy ghoster.

Marie laughs. “I'm ready.”

Thank you so much for joining us in Sunnyside.

If you enjoyed your time with us, please click follow and share this episode with a friend.

We'd like to thank High Street Jack for providing our theme song.

Makiko is our master of post production, process management and the website.

And stories for Rays of Light are written by Karisha.